My First Awakening

“If we are to find our answers, we are to first find our truth and live within that truth, accept it so that we can then be set free from it, for the purpose of man is simply to be. To be the best that he chooses to be.” Joshua

Everyone has a pivotal moment in life, where their real life opens up to them if they will take it. Their awakening. Here is mine. They say that in our darkest night there is our greatest light. For me there has been more than one darkest night. I remember my first though, I remember how my journey out of darkness began. In fact, all of my moments of darkness I share with you, happened within an 18-month period in my life.

The first one happened on an Easter weekend; a long weekend that would have me plough through my own darkness in a bid to finally see the light as we say. A light that had been shining so bright and yet here I was as blind as a bat to the truth of this world. To what really makes the world go round. So, consumed by the illusion of life being about the surface, the appearance, the gain and not seeing anything of true abundance, value and worth in this world. A bitter heart can do that to a gal, you know, a bitter heart, a broken heart can send you hurtling into a harder future than you needed to walk through. Looking back, I think life, God, the Universe, my Guides and Angels had had enough of my crazy ways, my partying, my drinking, my up for a good time attitude. An attitude I was using to quash the emotions of a divorce, a betrayal. For when we tell ourselves enough, we don’t care we begin to believe it to be so.

So, when I woke up on a Thursday before Good Friday and felt a lump under my rib cage the journey began. My thinking was ridiculous. I did not allow them to phone my mother, I did not want her weekend ruined, see what I mean, how ridiculous is that, when there was nothing she could have done. I had found a lump under my ribs, the size of a Brussel sprout. How do I know? Because this crazy lady refused to be put under to have it removed. Not only did I get to feel the surgeon’s hands in my body, the slice of the knife but he took delight in showing it to me before stitching me back up and sending it off for testing! I still have the scar to remind me how far I have come.

I had recently moved into the area and had yet to register with a Doctor, so I walked into A&E. They refused to let me leave. Yes, there was a lump, I was quite right but now the dreaded ‘C’ word was bouncing around the room and through the cavities of my mind…