Surrendering to Pain

I don’t know why I am writing this, perhaps as a selfish act to just try to find some help and healing for myself as I write the words. A form of self help in the hope of finding something that is missing from my heart and soul right now.

Yesterday, I lost my baby girl. My baby girl being a 17 year old horse. A horse who spent the first six months of our relationship trying to kill me. I was battered, bruised and in pain then but nothing compares the pain I feel now.

For five years and seven months, I did what I promised you I would do. I loved you till your dying day and beyond. A horse so battered by human hand, so fear based and un able to trust that someone, a human, could actually be trusted to love you. But I did. You went on to be a therapy horse with us, bringing love and joy to children on the spectrum, children who were hurting, just like you had once in your life.

Looking back, I know you never recovered from losing your best buddie, our beautiful Sasha, I can see your pain and your emptiness then, just as I feel it now. My heart is broken now.

Lying awake night after night before your ‘ending’ came, hearing over and over, ‘there is no death, there is…